He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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