When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
