Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
