i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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