Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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