You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
