I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
