you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
