I cockslap morals
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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