Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
