Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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