My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
