He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
