I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
