i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize