I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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