Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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