Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
