Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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