One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
