Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize