Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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