jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
