she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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