Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
