I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
