last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
