I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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