Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
