just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
