she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
