in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
