I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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