Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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