I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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