she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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