Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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