I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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