how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
