I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Watching her eat just hurts me
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
