I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
