I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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