Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
