with your own penis?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
