Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
