He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
