I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
