he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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