I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
