Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
