So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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