We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
