Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
