even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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