At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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