You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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